Rebooted and Ready To Roll

Nice to be back. I usually take a week or so off after MOFO because my brain is fried from all the activity.

I warned you I'd be on with the sass, and it's on. No more Ms. Nice Gal. You wanna be vegan? I can help you. Give this a chance and you'll see how awesome your life can be. The next few posts will be about vegan cheeses and cheese inspired dishes to get you off the dairy-go-round.

So Fall is in full swing and that means comfortable and cozy Autumnal dishes. Back in my pregan days, the  favorite was broccoli, cheese, and chicken casserole, the legend dish of any church potluck. But then I went vegan and thought I could never have it again. Not so. One of the biggest excuses people have for not going vegan is this inexplicable love affair with cheese. I was in that boat too.

 Then I had kids and learned that cows have to be in lactation mode to make milk, Duh. And that means continuously being pregnant for about 4 years until becoming a pair of boots. When I breast fed both my babies, it was exhausting. I was never one of those dames that rocked pregnancy. It was awful. I couldn't imagine being pregnant over and over again like that just to make people milk, cheese, and ice cream. Fuck you. No thanks. And I haven't even touched on how much fun it is to have mastitis. Yeah, that's right. Cows get that too. There's more in that milk than just milk, kids.

So if you are a cheese addict, my tough love words to you are nut up and cut the cow out. Now. Don't wait. It's not the cheese you crave, it's the company. It's the fatty-salty-stretchy that can be achieved by using any of the vegan cheeses out there.

I made this casserole with cooked rice, Ms. Dash, Daiya cheddar shreds-on clearance for $2 a package, broccoli, and Gardein chick'n strips, which I found on clearance for $1.89 a package. Everything was ready in less than 45 minutes, including prep time. This is so easy to make and you'll hardly miss the real live cruel version after having this. But veganism is so expensive. Shut up. I'm sick of your excuses. The ingredients to make this are no more expensive than getting quality cuts of meat and cheese from an animal. You know what's REALLY expensive? A heart attack, cholesterol controlling medications, and going to see the doctor all the time because you feel like shit from all that dairy. I'm done hearing it. Just do it. Just quit. Now. Don't worry if you don't make the shift perfectly. I know you can do this. If I can do it, you can do it.

Cheese Insanity Replacements rated best in:

• Cost: galaxy nutritional foods vegan shreds
• Flavor: Daiya cheese, Teese
• Freezes well: Follow Your Heart cheese

Note all three freeze well. 

One I'm not so wild about:

• Cheesely
• Soya Kaas Vegan cheese

What I use when I don't want vegan cheese but want that cheese like flavor and fat:

• Avocados mashed and mixed with a little salt
• Hummus
• Nutritional yeast mixed with some salted cashews

Cookbooks to help you with your cheesly desires:
The Ultimate Uncheese Cookbook

Best vegan queso:
Food For Lovers Queso

Vegan cheese tips:

• Don't eat raw, it doesn't work and tastes gross.
• Use sparingly, some of the flavors are strong if you're not used to it.
• Try, try, and try again. Find one that you like and stick with it.
• Cost? Most brand names  have online coupons.

I love you. Stop making excuses. Go vegan.

Vegan MOFO Day #30: Woodbury Special

 In Woodbury, folks like to keep life simple: no Starbucks, no cell phones, no adult movie theaters, early curfew, and no zombies. Hell, I'd move there--even if the Governor is a mega crazy ultranationalist who keeps a collection of walker heads in aquariums. Everyone has their vice.

 The town special isn't special at all. It's just some potatoes, onions, green peppers, and Yves Italian Sausage slices all fried in a skillet. Serve it up with some strong coffee-(sorry, no fancy foo-foo drinks in this town) and you've got a breakfast that will keep you focused on protecting the borders of your little slice of heaven. Let's face it, no one wants a town crawling with the undead ruining your Tea Party.

 If you like the Walking Dead, you should tune in to Bankrupt Vegan's geek blog, titled Jen The Geek . She likes to dish out her views and news about all things from the nerdly kingdom.

Vegan MOFO Day #29: Using What You Have

 So what are they gonna do with all that canned and prepackaged food in prison? Make some seitan n' dumplings. It's super easy. You don't even need a recipe, right? Just make yourself some seitan stew using broth, veggies, and seitan. I like to thicken the mix with a little cornstarch so I have a nice thick stew. I used about 3T total for a 32 oz container of no-chicken broth. While the concoction is all nice and bubbly, plop your dumpling batter in the mix. Cook for 10 minutes covered, then another 10 minutes and you have a filling dinner.

Since I'm no recipe master, I used Bisquick-(accidentally vegan!) to make the dumplings.

Traditional Holiday Dishes Veganized

Rerun time! People, You're looking at the infamous Gobbler Slices from Celine and Tami's upcoming vegan sandwich cookbook, Vegan Sandwiches Save the Day! You MUST buy this book once it is available. I just made a mega loaf for Txgiving dinner today.

((stepping up to the pulpit)) And what is this holiday all about? A cruel reminder of what most of our forefathers did to the indigenous folk buried with a buffet of goodies followed by crazy department store sales? It really depends on who you are. I heard some people bad mouthin' this day, and I get it--the past sucks. I'm not just tossin' a "move on" attitude either. There is still pain and suffering every holiday. For people and animals. Let us all reclaim this as an opportunity to count our blessings and evaluate what is important to us.

That and food. The food! ((shaking fist in the air))
Look at that loaf. Sure it's kind of plain, but I assure you the taste is not. You'll never eat tofurky again.
Gobbler Club: gobbler slices, bacon bitz, red onion, fresh tomato, fresh parsley, and beannaise all on a cibatta roll.


This post is dedicated to Turkeys everywhere: here's some traditional Txgiving dishes veganized. Perhaps you're thinking of foregoing the bird this year. Maybe you have one of those weirdo vegans coming over for dinner. Be prepared and delighted!

*NOTE: this post is going in a day later than I wanted. If you've already gone ahead with your Thanksgiving plans, please consider these for the upcoming Xmas Holiday!

Main Course:

Chickpea Cutlets from Veganomicon
Chicken Seitan
Gluten Free Chickpea Patties

Sides:

• Mashed Potatoes with Olive oil instead of butter. Throw some minced garlic in there too.
• Sweet Potatoes with maple syrup and pecans. Use canola oil instead of butter to coat potatoes.
• Green Bean casserole- French's FF Onions are vegan. Puree mushrooms with a cup or two of veggie bullion, and thicken with some corn starch to make the cream of mushroom soup.
• This here veganized PORK RIND CASSEROLE. I will always be proud of this dish.
  

• Roasted asparagus w/olive oil, lemon, and a pinch of kosher salt
• Chickpea Gravy! Yes, gravy made with chickpeas. Us vegans will make gravy out of anything. Don't have chickpeas? Try subbing with another canned bean. Oh the possibilities!

Carby McCarb Land:

• Vegan Stuffing
• Gluten Free Vegan Stuffing
  
• Vegan Butterflake rolls
• Novel Eats take on the dinner roll
• Gluten Free Vegan French Bread Rolls w/ pumpkin butter

Don't forget to make room for dessert:

• vegan pumpkin pie
• lil' vegan pecan pies. dude!
• Veganized Persimmon Pudding Recipe
• behold the SMOLVE PIE-this one is labor intensive, but everyone will be super impressed.
• Gluten Free Vegan Pie Crust-fill it with your favorite gluten free filling

Enjoy this special day and remember that anyone can be vegan--it's not that hard. Turkeys everywhere are singin' praises for the principle of live and let live.

MOFO Day #29True Grub: Luna's Quinoa Burgers

The scene they didn't show: Luna pitching her quinoa burger to Sam. "It's a protein packed powerhouse." She says. Sam smiles, "I have your powerhouse right here."

Remind me to never write fan fiction.
Luna describes the patty as a slightly spicy blend of quinoa, roasted peppers, and white beans with some spices. Blended together they produce gorgeous orange veggie burger that tastes great plain or with toppings. She served mine warmed in pita halves with some chili and Antonia's Gone Bananas Salsamole.
Don't forget the yam fries and beannaise.

Luna's Quinoa Burgers-To make GF, use GF bread and toppings.

• 2 c. cooked quinoa
• 2 c. cooked white beans
• 2 roasted poblano peppers-washed, seeds removed
• 2 roasted red peppers, ditto
• 1 roasted banana pepper, ditto
• 2 t. onion powder
• 2 t. salt
• 1/2 t. paprika
• 1 t. garlic powder
• 1 t. oregano

Blend everything in a food processor while you heat up a griddle or non stick pan. Brush the griddle with a little canola oil. The mixture will be pretty messy: not dry, and not soupy--somewhere in between. Take a spoon and scoop tennis ball sized dollops of the mixture on the griddle. Using damp fingers, press down on the patties to flatten them to about 1/4 -1/2 inch thick--don't burn your fingers! Use your spatula to make these shift into squares or circles, your stomach doesn't really care. Cook for 4-5 on one side, flip cook for another 4-5, flip and cook for another 2 minutes. The patties should be crispy on the outside. This mix makes a shitload so you'll probably want to have your oven set to warm (200) and put them in there as you go along. Fix with your favorite toppings on your preferred brand bread. I used pita because a) it was all I had, and b) you don't want to trump the awesome texture and flavor of this burger with a big assed bun.

MOFO Day #28 True Grub: Behold The Pork Rind Casserole

When Hoyt's mamma isn't making her infamous fruit loop pancakes or butterfinger enchiladas, she's perfecting her pork rind casserole. When I heard her offer her culinary skills to Sam during the final episode of the most recent season, I rewound the clip. Pork Rind Casserole? WTF? I'm so on that.

My Alma Matter Interweb Universiteh gave me a brief history: it's a casserole topped in pork rinds. It can be sweet or savory--ew! Most recipes were the things of church potlucks everywhere: something cheesy, something starchy, some vegetable to make it appear healthy, and topped with pork rinds. Simple enough.

I looked high and low online for this crazy snack and found some, but really didn't have it in my budget to pay $6 plus $12 to ship. Sigh. Online businesses. One of my vegan pals mentioned using rice pasta and I dismissed it. Then I started thinking about it, " I do have a ton of rice wraps. How am I going to do this?" I whined. My spousal unit shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well soak the rice wrap, blot with a paper towel and fry it in that vegan bacon grease you made the other day."

What an awesome spouse he is. And seriously, with a mind like that he needs to just go vegan already.

So I did just that.

Fryin' the pork rinds. It does take a while, so you need to be patient. Read a book but do it by the stove, because you're gonna fry the shit out of some rice paper wraps.
Finished product. Of course I tasted them. For the omni and newly vegan set--they tasted all for the world like chicken skin cross bred with pork skin. Salty and greasy.
Casserole comes to fruition: cubed baked potatoes, cheddar daiya, broccoli, onions, creamed corn, plain oat milk, garlic powder, onion powder, and some salt. Topped with vegan pork rinds lightly salted in garlic salt and baked at 350 for about 30 minutes covered, then 10 minutes uncovered.

Did you notice that was gluten free? I hope so.

I did take this to my UU all congregation church pot luck and it was gone in less than 10 minutes.

MOFO Day #27 True Grub: Covenly Tacos

Benefits of being a witch:

• Badass Spells
• Medium powers
• Best friends with Guys who listen to Stevie Nicks
• Access to lots of herbs
• Glowing eyes
• Lots of holidays to celebrate

Downside of being a witch:

• Frumpy clothes
• It sucks being on a broomstick in the rain
  
• What if you're not into chanting?
• That whole Goddess thing
• Unfaithful followers
  
• Ingredients that are probably not vegan

When I was little, I wanted to be a witch in the worst way. I wanted to have powers that made my childhood bullies cry like little bitches, turned people into toads, and did all my homework. I recall emptying my mother's spice cabinet and mixing all of her extracts and herbs, then mushing it with a banana and making my brother drink it. He ended up barfing everywhere and I couldn't watch television for a week. TELEVISION!

Lesson? Being a solo practitioner is a dangerous thing. It is better to work in a group. When these ingredients stand alone, they're kind of lame. When hangin' together in a recipe coven, the flavors do something that is a little crafty.

I bring you, Covenly Tacos


A soft tortilla filled with breaded seasoned eggplant, a touch of daiya, green with envy salsamole, and a little beannaise.
Check it out y'all.

These go really well with Jessica's Virgin Strawberry Daiquiri.

To make the tacos you'll need:

soft tortillas
daiya cheese
1 medium eggplant


Marnie's Eggplant Fries

Breading Mixture
3/4 c. corn meal
3/4 c. oat flour
1 heaping T of Ms. Dash chipotle blend
1 t. paprika
1 t. onion powder
1 t. salt
1/2 t. garlic powder
mix together in a bowl

set aside in a shallow dish:
1 cup plain unsweetened soy milk
2 cap full of AC vinegar
wait a minute or so and whisk

Wash, peel, and slice your eggplant into steak fries. With one hand dip the pieces in your buttermilk, then carefully roll them in the breading mixture with the other hand. Lay on a greased cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 12 minutes on one side, and 15 on the other. You want them to be tender and a little crispy on the outside. If you wanna go big, deep fry them, but I was trying to avoid it. I just can't eat fried shit every day.

Antonia has gone bananas salsamole
1 c. chopped combo of green tomatoes & tomatillos
1 peeled kiwi
1 small onion chopped
3 banana peppers, finely chopped
juice of 1 lime
2 cloves of garlic
1/2 c. cilantro
2 t chopped jalapenos (optional)
pinch of salt
1 c. avocado

Puree the green stuff with the garlic, then add your onion, peppers, lime, cilantro, jalapenos, and salt. This will taste weird on its own, but trust me people it makes the taco work.

Assembling the tacos:

Grill your tortilla with a little of the daiya on top until melty. Add your cooked eggplant, a spoonful or two of the salsamole, and add a teaspoon of beannaise. Feel free to eat while sitting in a circle plotting to bring down the vampire race.

MOFO Day #24 True Grub: Russell Edgington's Spine Tingler

Is your tired lentil loaf old news? Russell has a suggestion for you.
As he effortlessly removes the spine from the nighttime anchorman on TBBN, he emphasizes the a few crucial points:

1. During the month of October it is expected to make your dinner look gory. Try taking that veggie loaf recipe and turning it into something scary with some gruesome presentation.
2. Take care of your back. You'll never know when a crazy assed vampire king will come up from behind and mess it up beyond recognition on live television.
3. He is not in favor of the Vampire Rights Amendment.
   

I used this recipe. Really, just use your favorite. Shape into a spine and accent by coating the whole thing with some ketchup and accenting it with red pepper. Go big! Pairs well with mashed potatoes and a nice side salad.

And please, go see a chiropractor.

MOFO Day#23 True Grub: Favorite Entry?

We interrupt this MOFO Blog with a Voodoo Black Bean Pesto Pizza followed by a question.

It's not that I'm running out of ideas--boy howdy, I have 'em. I'm just running out of time. I'm a multitasking fool and instead of sitting in my underwear blogging, I've been at work all day. Thank goodness Miss Jeanette brought me this pizza. I don't care if she is just a clerk at the local drug store. This lady can make a pie that will make you feel like you've died and been reborn as someone way cooler.

This cilantro pesto paste recipe is here, although it lacks measurements because I honestly just throw a bunch of shit in a blender and it turns out right every time. If you want your pesto to have a little kick, throw a half cup of fresh arugula and a jalapeno in with the mixture.

I utilized pre-made pizza crust from Aver's ( a little over $2.50 for a ball of ready to bake dough). I piled on some black beans, shredded carrots, roasted zucchini, and cherry tomatoes. Finger lickin' good and magical.


So tell me PITA Vegan readers, what has been your favorite True Grub entry so far? Are you prepared for an excellent last week?

Hang on to your spines. That's all I'm gonna say.

MOFO Day #19 True Grub: Tommy's Shifting Calzone

I know there isn't anything that screams Italian when you hear the name Tommy Mickens, but I bet that didn't stop him or his ma and pa from eating their fair share of pizza dough. I imagine the local joint delivered to a certain address in Arkansas quite a bit and probably got stiffed on a tip or scared away because a giant pit bull answered the door.
I chose dough largely for its shifting properties. If you think about it on an extremely deep level, all food shape shifts. I just think dough wins the ultimate prize because of its elasticity. Normally I just make my own pizza dough, but I was feeling mighty lazy so I bought two giant balls (heh-heh, two balls) from Aver's for less than $6 bucks. The beauty of this, of course is I didn't have to **wait** for my dough to rise, and I got to call the shots with the toppings.

I started by spreading the dough out and trying to use my wasted time in art school to make a dog. It was a tremendous and glorious fail, just like the Mickens Family.
It looks more like a cave painting, don't you think? I changed my mind and made this:
A crude alligator for my favorite Tommy Shifting Moment. Yeah, it wasn't as easy as I thought. Wasn't that cool when Sheriff Bellefleur saw a big gator in the back of Sam's van? I considered lying about my ability and claiming my 4 year old son did this, but that would just be pathetic. I filled it with some of Mr. J's pizza sauce with the wheat ball recipe from Vegan on the Cheap and served it with some roasted red pepper cream sauce.

CHOMP!

I pretty much have a crush on the entire cast of True Blood, but I have a special soft spot for Marshall Allman's character. I got really misty eyed when he had met his demise and his last words were "Hell is a dog fight." Then I proceeded to blubber because I thought about all of my canine friends that are abused, unloved, and forced to fight for nothing more than the greed and amusement of a human being that should really know better. Sigh.

YOU can help me help some local dogs by letting everyone you know about my 1 million US hit goal for the month of October. FYI, we are NOWHERE near that goal-(close to 4,000 hits as of today which equals $12), but that doesn't mean you can't try. The money from FoodBuzz will go to two local charities, one being the Monroe County Humane Association.


Please, please, and please help. Thanks

Easy Roasted Red Pepper Cream Sauce

• 2 rectangles of White Wave Garlic Herb Tofu-you know, the prepared kind at the store
  
• 1 roasted red pepper-(if using store bought, make sure it equals at least 1/2 c.)
• 2 T olive oil
• pinch of salt
• 1/4 c. plain coconut creamer
• 2 cloves of garlic
• 1/4 nutritional yeast-(optional)

Put everything in a blender and puree the shit out of it. Goes great with bread sticks or fresh veggies.

MOFO Day #18 True Grub: Cooter's Hash w/ Alcide's Comeback Sauce

Have you been out all night hangin' out with Cooter? I hope to God that's not his birth name. Perhaps it is something more dignified like Charles, Rutherford, or Winston.

I can tell you've been up to something devious. Have you been vamp napping for The King of Mississippi? Just look at those dark circles under your eyes. Sit down, have some coffee, and have a plate of Cooter's Hash.
It's not that complicated. It's just chopped up baked potatoes that are fried with onions, seitan, and topped with Alcide's Dilly of a Comeback Sauce. Get some toast and juice to go with your hash and coffee--you're on your way to recovering from your shenanigans at Lou Pine's Bar.

Oh, and don't worry about that branding on your shoulder. I'm sure it is some weird initiation thing. It's probably a reminder to tell all of your friends in the USA about my 1 million US hit goal for MOFO.

MOFO Day #16 True Grub: God Hates Fangs BBQ Sauce

Now there's nothin' I like better than a little BBQ after hearing the Good News of Hope on a Sunday Mornin'. Y'see I quit going to Temple and hanging out with Sookay after I was invited to this new place called Fellowship of the Sun. Say whuuuuut? It's a really cool church that opened up here in Btown. Reverend Steve Newlin has the most inspiring things to say, and Sarah makes the BEST BBQ I have ever tasted. Sweet, spicy, and just a touch of something I couldn't think of. The cool flavors of cauliflower, parsley, lemon, and a touch of mint from the raw couscous from Matt Amsden's Rawvolution made an excellent side dish.
When I asked her what was in the sauce, she giggled and said, "Oh, it's a Texas secret that only confirmed members know about. There's lots of garlic in it. You still have some learning and reprogramming to do."
Then everything went black.

When I woke up I was still sitting at the table, but my hair had been cut and styled into a sensible blond bouffant and I was wearing a lovely cream colored pantsuit.

My first thoughts were I sure do hate vampires and I wanted more BBQ.

MOFO Day #15 True Grub: Hunter's Pie

Yeah-yeah, I know it's supposed to be souffle. Go ahead, make it into a souffle and blog about it. I don't own a ramekin, and if I went door to door in my neighborhood asking people if they owned one, they would probably call Homeland Security. Sigh. Life in a small Indiana town.

I was intrigued by Maryann's concoction made with the heart of Bon Temp's local Hoodoo woman and fed to Tara and Eggs. They got real cray-cray after eating it and started simultaneously making out and beating one another. The power of food!

Could I veganize this? I wondered. I went over several vegetable combinations in my head and kept coming back to the good ol' beet. I gagged a little. For the record, I HATE beets. So I did some homework and researched flavors that go well with beets. I do enjoy oranges, and we all know sweet and savory flavors can do magical things. I crossed my fingers and hoped that it would work.
I used Kittee's pie crust recipe from Papa Tofu, which I believe is out of print--but you can go to pakupaku and click on the whole wheat pie crust recipe and write her to tell her how awesome she is. She'd like that.
I used my 50k spent in art school to sculpt that tiny crude heart. My ceramics prof would be disappointed. "Jennifer, didn't you learn anything from me?" She would say.

She'd take back those words after one bite. It totally worked! Holy Shit! I have found a way to enjoy beets.

My colleagues both omni and vegetarian loved it. So much in fact, Weebo the WonderOmni asked me the next day if I brought more and kept singing "She's my Hunter's Pie" to the tune of Warrant.

Maryann's Hunter Pie

Step 0, make the pie crust-(double batch) according to Kittee's directions. Make one crust and set the other roll of dough to the side.

Step one, the orgy of veggies and protein:

• 1/4 c. chopped onion
• 1 carrot-(get a purple one if you can!)
• 1 t. thyme
• 1/2 t. celery flakes
• turns of black pepper
• 1/2 t. salt
• 3-4 dry sage leaves, crumbled
• Saute this mixture in olive oil

after veggies are browned, add 1/4 c. red kidney beans and 2 c chopped seitan. Once that has browned even more, add 1 c. cubed cooked squash-( I used a mixture of butternut and patty pan)

Step Two, The Heart:

• 1 can of beets, draining the juice and setting aside

Step Three, The Blood:

• 1/2 c. chopped red pepper
• beet juice
• 2 T. cornstarch
• 1 t. red food coloring-(optional, but it will get you a deeper red color)
• 1/3 c. blood orange juice
• 1 T pom juice

Blend the shit out of this in your blender. It will be very gross.

Assembling the Maenad marriage:
Put veggie and protein orgy in the cooked and cooled pie shell. Pour the red puree over the mixture and top with the raw second pie crust. I made fancy lattice work with a mini heart, but you can do whatever the hell you want.

Bake at 350 for 40 minutes and allow to cool for about 15-20.

Goes great with a nice green salad of arugula, toasted walnuts, and a simple vinaigrette dressing.

MOFO Day#12 True Grub: Jesus Saves Chili

Now that Fall is here, you need to get a batch of chili made. It's such a cheap dish, one recipe usually makes a metric butt load, fills you up, and is full of FIBER!

Everyone has their favorite recipe, and I don't really care which one you make. Just make it for Jesus, because of the ultimate sacrifice he made and I love him so. Not the Son of God-(he's pretty cool), but the super hot nurse/brujo/demon boyfriend of Lafayette's played by Kevin Alejandro. He's so dreamy. Me-yow.

I threw together a really mild one made with lentils and pieces of Grampy's Goat Tongue. I've been keeping the spices on my main dishes lower than usual so my daughter can eat what I make. I doctored mine up with some fresh cilantro, avocado slices, salsa verde, hot sauce, and a cornbread skull made with the recipe from Veganomicon. Where did I get the skull molds? Read about it here. Pieces of pepper and olive were perfect additions to bring out the skull's gorgeous features. I dressed the top of the skull with a little Queso For Lovers, one of my swag bag gifts at Vida Vegan Con. That stuff is more powerful than Jesus's ability to communicate with the dead.
If you're lost and overwhelmed by all the vegan chili recipes out there in the vegan blogging universe, here are a few of my favorites:

Eggplant chile mole from Appetite For Reduction- Super meaty with eggplant. If you miss Skyline Chili, this is the one for you.

If you're looking for an unusual white chili, you can try my Chili de Fogo that I made last year for Torque from the PPK.

My spousal unit makes the best chili on the planet with a Kroger seasoning mix, a three bean blend, and some smart ground. And he isn't even vegan!

Right now, everyone is raving about Mollyjade's chili recipe. You should totally buy the Sunny Days in Texas cook zine with that recipe and many more. I snagged one at Vida Vegan Con. $$ goes to an animal sanctuary!