what is this diablo dog you speak of?

yeah, yeah. something they don't talk about in the book of genesis was on the 8th day how the great and almighty you-know-who got a really good idea for a vegan hot dog. we all know that real hot dogs are made of a bunch of icks and gags, but vegan hot dogs are heavenly. well, there's a way to make them even larger than life--by making them completely evil. good-evil, that is.

kids i'm gonna be vegangelical and do some preachin'. lemme tell you the good news about the diablo dog. (insert southern baptist narration here) the diablo dog won't take you away from what's good. the diablo dog is a miiiiiiighty force, that puts the plain ol' chili dog to shame. can i get an a-men? amen! and what clillin's are coney dogs? a hot dog with sloppy joe meat? oh, no--oh laws of mercy we can't have that. we need to cleanse our souls with a comfort food so mighty that it brings us closer to the divine.

you don't write about no diablog dog from summer camp, oh no laws of mercy. you wear a teeshirt with I ATE A DIABLO DOG silk screened in ALL CAPS to show the world that you been sanctified by the power of a vegan hot dog masterpiece. you always drink a cold beverage with the diablo dog because it is SPICY, and you don't need no dessert after you eat one chillin's, no you don't. what you need is some prayer and a few antacids.

oh okay, i can't do the preacher dialogue. back to jewish jen. anyway, a diablo dog is a vegan hot dog on a grilled bun served with vegan chili, vegan cheez sauce, horseradish, chopped jalapenos, onions, pickle relish, hot sauce, and don't go stingy on the fakin' bacon bitz. i got the idea from an episode of strangers with candy where jerri blank is getting a diablo dog and says, "don't go stingy on the bacon bits." you never really got to see what was on it, but i had a vision to go and make one. i was not vegan back then, so the real diablo dog was the stuff of the nitrate gods and heart attack angels. i wondered could it be made vegan? of course it could.

you can't slap a bunch of shit on a bun and call it a diablo dog. you need to follow these directions to invoke the almighty lord of the vegan hot dog heaven AND underworld to get just the right flavor. look at the pictures:

1) grill a hoagie bun-(because they are larger) with earth balance or your fave vegan margarine. the kroger brand hoagie buns are vegan.

2) take your vegan hot dog-(2 OF THEM because the bun is bigger and this is the diablo dog we're talkin' about) of choice and grill it or pan fry it. don't ruin the magic of the diablo dog by boiling or nuking it. you will ruin the sacred nature of this special treat. i used yve's brand vegan dogs. lightly spread some horseradish on the toasted bun. don't use too much because you want the other flavors to shine through. the horseradish is but an accent, y'all.
okay, then you put on your favorite vegan chili. usually, my spouse makes this from scratch, but we were lazy and used a store brand. bad idea. this made the diablo dog slightly sub-par from others i've had. i had to doctor it with some chipotle ms. dash. anyway, put on some chili, vegan cheez sauce of choice-(*i have a recipe at the end of this entry), chopped jalapenos on one side, and dill relish on the other side.
NOW top it with some chopped onions, hot sauce of choice, and fakin' bacon bitz. DON'T be stingy with these.

this dog goes well with an ice cold beverage-(red cream soda in my case), tater tots, chips, or french fries. the diablo dog is a messy mistress and you'll need something to wipe yo face and scoop up the excess that falls on the plate. i prefer potato chips or corn chips with my dog.

the heartburn can be kind of intense after one of these, and you'll more than likely say to yourself, i'll never eat this again. when you go to sleep at night, the most amazing thing will happen. you will dream of this vegan dog. you will have another one the next day. after you've exhausted a pack of vegan pups, you'll wanna stay away from them for a while. six months later, you'll look at your loved one and say, "man, i could go for a diablo dog right about now." and it'll be on like donkey kong.

jen's cheater vegan cheez sauce:

1 tub tofutti cream cheeze
1/4 c. taco sauce
1/4 c. nooch
1T mustard
1/2 T frank's red hot

in a saucepan under med. heat, soften cream cheese. add taco sauce, then nooch, then mustard, then frank's. whisk. it'll look (and taste) like cheez whiz, i swear to the vegan cheez gods. remember, i'm not that great with measurements, so you might have to start with smaller amounts of the taco sauce, nooch, and frank's--and keep adding until you get that just right taste.

have fun and good luck!

chili chili bang bang

my vinnie makes a mean vegan chili. i couldn't tell you the recipe, because that's classified information and i don't really know the recipe. just trust me when i say it's vegan. i like to top my chili with guac, soy sour cream, and some frank's red hot sauce. i also like to take chili and make what i call a "diablo dog"-(something i heard once on Strangers With Candy). Here's the recipe for the diablo dog, sorry I don't have a photo.

diablo dog

1 vegan hot dog
1 vegan hot dog bun, buttered with vegan marg.

topping:
vegan chili
frank's red hot
horseradish
chopped jalapenos
chopped onions
dill relish
mustid (hot if ya got it)
ketchup
fakin' bacon bitz
cheez sauce from vcon

dee-reck-she-oh-nays: cook yer vegan wiener and toast that buttered bun-(GOD that sounds dirty!) place wiener in bun and top with the aforementioned condiments. this will be messy, so you should have some chips to scoop up anything that falls off the dog. tastes great with a cold root beer, or beer-beer if you are into that sort of thing.

Hot Dog!

So I was craving vegan hot dog nachos, sue me. This was largely inspired by watching many episodes of Chopped and my love for Btown's local eatery, The Naughty Dog. NOTE: if you click on the link, you will see meat.

I love this place because it is a) cheap and b) THEY OFFER A VEGAN CHILI DOG! How awesome is that? Sure, I could make one at home while listening to The Pod and it probably would taste better, but sometimes I'm just too lazy to make lazy food. So there. I got your no porkroll-no-egg-no-cheese right the eff here, baby.

If you're thinking, ugh--that's just gross! Or perhaps you are curious and worried about calorie content, vegan hot dog nachos won't ruin your caloric day you big ol' weirdo, you. If you are obsessed about that sort of thing, I estimate it is around 600 calories, less if you only have one wiener--(hey now, they list a serving as "1 Wiener" so get your mind out of the gutter.) Here's the breakdown:

• 2 vegan hotdogs @ 50 cal=100
• 1 serving corn chips (that's 6-7 chips, kids)=130
• 1/3 c. vegan chili=120
• 1/4 avocado sliced thin= 70 cal
• diablo sauce= 120

If you don't care about calories, add more chips or whatever. I personally wanted the chili dogs to dominate the dish, not the chips--I just needed some crispy-crispy if you know what I mean.

diablo sauce ingredients:
1T veganaise
1 t nutritional yeast
1/2 t white miso
Frank's red hot to taste

I can see Ted Allen saying, "Chefs you have one minute left!" as I effortlessly plate this amazing little ditty. Secret basket ingredients are vegan hot dogs, corn chips, miso, and nutritional yeast. Of course, I'm thinking chili. Of course I'm thinking nachos. Duh. Scott Conant is secretly jealous but chooses to diss this dish, and Alex G. proposes to me after eating. Yeah, that's how it would go. Screw that 10 grand.

Runnin' With the Devil

Check that shit out! Awwww yeah.

Hey readers, have you missed me? Yeah, I hear you. I have a new job with a metric buttload of responsibilities and I'm super surprised I have enough time to do anything but eat, sleep, and work. I've been leaning on convenience and comfort foods, like nachos and the infamous diablo dog. In July, that little number will be three years old--isn't that awesome? Since the release of that masterpiece, I've influenced many a vegan and omni to try the said delicacy. Don't thank me, thank Amy Sedaris. It was her character in Strangers With Candy that inspired the whole thing. Don't go stingy on the bacon bitz.
Just look at that: grilled vegan dogs topped with vegan chili, diablo sauce, tomatoes, onions, horseradish, chopped jalapenos, and pickles. If I were a beer drinker, I'd probably want a Corona with lime, but I'll stick to a cold ginger ale instead. That way I won't get arrested.

I've perfected my diablo sauce, so please give it a try and let me know what you think!

Diablo Sauce 2012

You'll need

• 1 c. Daiya Cheddar shreds
• 1/2 c. non dairy milk
• 3 T vegan cream cheese
• 2T chopped jalapenos PICKLED, y'know the kind in a jar
  
• 1T vegan butter or canola oil
• 1 big assed clove o' garlic, finely chopped
• 1/4 c. roasted jalapenos
• a couple of drops of liquid smoke
• 1 t. Ms. Dash spicy blend OR chipotle lime flavor
  
• salt to taste
• about a T of flour at the end to thicken

Saute your garlic in the oil, then add your pickled and roasted jalapenos. Add the cheeses, and stir on medium heat until melty. You may need to add splashes of milk if the sauce is too thick. Don't be a fool and have the heat turned up too high, or you'll just end up with a giant wad of what looks like orange jalapeno chewing gum. Add your spices and keep stirring. Throw the flour in at the very end. You should have a nice cheesy gravy that is reminiscent of that shit you get out of a pump at 7-11, only much better.

How do you roast a jalapeno? Simple. Oven=350. Fresh jalapenos, about 6-8 of them. Rinse the peppers off. Now rub a little oil into the skins. Fill a baking dish with just a smidgen of water. Throw the peppers in the pan. Bake for 10 mins, check and turn. Bake for another. They should puff up as if they were going to explode. They'll collapse when you take them out of the oven. Once cooled remove the seeds, some of the skin, and the stems--GLOVED HANDS, people! Gloved hands. Capsaicin never takes a day off. Chop these up and use as a condiment or a mix in for that heat lover in your life.

weekly product review: you gotta have some good karma to go to health valley

last saturday, momma was cravin' something frozen and something sweet. this hit the spot! i bought it at my local co-op instead of kroger's, and paid more than i wanted-($4.39), but it was so good i didn't really care. in my pregan days i was known to spend that much on a fancy blizzard at the DQ. so, to answer the question: is it as good as other frozen non-dairy desserts? the answer would be no. i really prefer the truly decadent series and soy delicious compared to this--but if you're looking for a nice change of pace from your regular non-dairy ice cream, good karma is not a bad solution. i give it one and a half turntables and a small microphone.

remember my diablo dog post? i used this brand of chili for the dog. the actual label said "three bean chipotle" but i couldn't find a google image for it, so this will have to do. don't bother buying it unless you need a vegan chili solution super fast. naturally, when i see the word chipotle, i expect to feel some amount of heat with a smoky aftertaste. not so here. it was bland at best and i had to doctor the shit out of it with frank's and ms. dash chipotle flavor. verdict? kids, this is just a crappy vinyl record. no turntable. no microphone. some people might tell me, "but jen, with a name like health valley, shouldn't you have known better?" not really, because healthy food can actually (believe it or not) be really tasty. at $3.59 per can i should have cried, but i didn't.

happy weekend, y'all!

moments that make me feel like a superstar

i can't deny it. it's a pretty rad thing to see a popular vegan blogger plug something i made. bianca, thanks a ton for mentioning the-one-and-only-very-holy-diablo-dog in your blog. you have made me an extremely proud blogger.

now, onto the tacos. the first book i bought for my kindle was appetite for reduction by mizz thang o' thang, isa chandra. i am not a low fat foodie, oh hell no. hear me out fellow fat lovers: this book is NOT A DIET BOOK. as aforementioned, this is a whole foods cookbook that was made for isa by isa--she just decided to share it with the rest of the world. lucky us, right?

i like that there aren't any recipes that call for incredibly obscure ingredients or a ton of fake meats. i like a good commercially produced item every now and then, but that can get expensive and taxing on the environment. not only does AFR focus on whole, but the recipes are darned tasty, and **FAST**! hey you, scarfing that meal over the sink. do you hear me? today's photos are of the black bean and squash tacos with lemon garlic yogurt sauce.

i wasn't sure about the recipe at first. i've had squash in my mexican food before--but never kalamata olives. as i was putting this together, i thought, okay isa. whatever you say. i think this won't work!

BUT IT DOES, it so does work. that lemony garlic vegan yogurt sauce? ties the room together, totally. hot and spicy squelched by cool and lemony. i sliced some avocado on there because i didn't have a side to serve with the tacos. i had to throw some cilantro in the sauce as well, so isa darling-(i write this as if isa reads my blog, guffaw!) please don't hate me for soiling a recipe with my incessant need for cilantro. the sauce makes a nice dip for veggies.
peek-a-boo! i see you you black beans, making my digestive system all healthy.




TEASETEASETEASE...

are you a kindle/nook/other electronic reader owner that wants a homemade, vegan, colorful, and fun cozy for your portable reading device? look no further. you see, i've been making such items and will have them for sale in just TWO WEEKS from TODAY on ETSY. so please, tell your friends. now that i'm working part-time, i need a little oomph to help my family's budget, and so i can go to vida vegan con. if you haven't heard about it, shame on you. it's a festival of vegan bloggers meeting in august, where we'll exchange ideas, get to pick doughnuts from trees, shake hands with bob barker, and make other vegan dreams come true. i have no idea how i'll financially swing this, but i am going to go hell or high water. that's why i decided to start crafting like crazy. for your viewing pleasure is a pic of one that i recently made for my co-worker's lady friend:

my top 4 favorite food posts from 2009 vegan MOFO day #28

i'm low on food porn pics and ideas for an entry so i thought i'd list my top 4 favorite posts and dishes of 2009. i surprised myself by not putting more sweets in this entry, but one can't live on cookies alone...or can they?
two words: diablo dog.
i would do anything for loaf, but i won't do that. seriously, i still dream about this. now that fall/winter is here, nothing would do better than another pan of this stuff.
linda richman would say this east coast coffee cake is "like buttah." i'm getting verklempt thinking about it!
who could forget the freezer purge burritos?

mofo question: what are your proudest food moments in 2009?