MOFO Day #31: SEASON FINALE Give Your Heart To Eric

First of all, I LOVED reading everyone's epic kitchen fail stories. It was a tough call to make, and I chose Beth and her bombed beer bread brick. Beth, send your information to noexcusesprivatechef@gmail.com. There's nothing worse than trying to win a crush over with food, gross them out, and have them laugh at you. It's much like a vampire ripping your heart out and slurping on it like a juice box.

Which brings me to the MOFO 2011 Season Finale of True Grub. If I were a vampire, I would never bite anyone's neck, I'd only do 'em in this way. The whole thing was so awesome I watched it over and over a few times. I was on a crusade for the rest of the month to think of how I could recreate a vegan heart and give it to myself for Halloween.
An apple a day! Get a big one. REALLY BIG!

Core out the middle and scoop out the seeds. I imagine a melon baller would be great, but all I had was a knife and spoon.

Hmmmm--will this work? This was starting to look like a fail. I have a degree in art. Surely I should be able to make a human heart out of an apple. Think, Jen--THINK!
Think outside the apple: I made a mixture of vegan graham cracker crumbs, food coloring, peanut butter, POM juice and a banana. The results were so badass, Alan Ball called me and asked me to quit my job at the garden center and work as a writer/special effects assistant.
Coming together nicely, ain't it? I soaked some dried cherries in warm water and rolled them like a snake to get my dark red veins.
Crude, yes. Think about it--have you ever seen a heart look all nice and neat when pulled out of someone's chest? I didn't think so. I filled the apple with the remaining POM juice.

It was so tasty! Substantial snack and drink all at once. Happy Halloween, y'all and thanks for reading this month. Looks like we raised $20 for the animal shelter and food bank. Will I ever give up on my million hit goal during MOFO? Never. It's good to aim high. It forces one to reach out to others and ask for help because no one can do huge things alone unless you're a vampire, and True Blood has shown that doesn't always work for the undead.

I hope you enjoyed yourselves, squirmed some, had a few laughs, and realized that being vegan is a ton of fun.

MOFO Day #30 True Grub: King of the Bill Cake and a GIVEAWAY!

As far as I know there are three factions in True Blood: Team Bill, Team Eric, and Team Alcide. ((groan)) Thanks from the bottom of my black heart, Twilight People.

What's wrong with being Switzerland in this scenario? Much like Sookie, I love all three. Hate me if you must, but I do. Is Bill a douche for what he's done to our little Fairy? Of course he is. He does have his redeeming qualities, he's a much better king than Sophie was queen. Those eyes. What happened to his sideburns? Is that a no-no in vampire royalty? I decided I'd take on the task of making him a cake--a King of the Bill Cake, which is just Kittee's King Cake recipe. I've been sworn to secrecy, so I cannot disclose the recipe.

Here's what I will tell you: the King Cake is a big ol' ring of cinnamon buns. Imagine making the log of dough and instead of cutting it up into individual rolls, you form it into a big circle. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. There's a learning curve kids, and the final product looked like a half inflated inner tube.

I think I wasn't paying attention to the temperature of warm liquid when I added in the yeast. Or maybe my yeast was bad. I could go on all day about it, but I will tell you that it wasn't a total fail taste wise. I improvised my own filling of cherries and chocolate chips and made some blood sugar sprinkles. It was good to me, but I'm sure a King Cake Connoisseur like Kittee would do a face palm and send me to detention.


So on this day before Halloween tell me about a kitchen fail and you could win a prize. Whuuuut? When I was at Vida Vegan Con, I bought TWO copies of Papa Tofu Loves Ethiopian by Kittee. One was for me, and the other one is for one lucky PITA vegan reader. I had planned to do this much sooner, but I got bogged down with some stuff at home. Sorry.

So get those stories to me by 4pm EST on Halloween.

Yes, I know that's tomorrow. So get to gettin'. Tell everyone you know about this contest and I look forward to reading about your epic fails.

MOFO Day #29True Grub: Luna's Quinoa Burgers

The scene they didn't show: Luna pitching her quinoa burger to Sam. "It's a protein packed powerhouse." She says. Sam smiles, "I have your powerhouse right here."

Remind me to never write fan fiction.
Luna describes the patty as a slightly spicy blend of quinoa, roasted peppers, and white beans with some spices. Blended together they produce gorgeous orange veggie burger that tastes great plain or with toppings. She served mine warmed in pita halves with some chili and Antonia's Gone Bananas Salsamole.
Don't forget the yam fries and beannaise.

Luna's Quinoa Burgers-To make GF, use GF bread and toppings.

• 2 c. cooked quinoa
• 2 c. cooked white beans
• 2 roasted poblano peppers-washed, seeds removed
• 2 roasted red peppers, ditto
• 1 roasted banana pepper, ditto
• 2 t. onion powder
• 2 t. salt
• 1/2 t. paprika
• 1 t. garlic powder
• 1 t. oregano

Blend everything in a food processor while you heat up a griddle or non stick pan. Brush the griddle with a little canola oil. The mixture will be pretty messy: not dry, and not soupy--somewhere in between. Take a spoon and scoop tennis ball sized dollops of the mixture on the griddle. Using damp fingers, press down on the patties to flatten them to about 1/4 -1/2 inch thick--don't burn your fingers! Use your spatula to make these shift into squares or circles, your stomach doesn't really care. Cook for 4-5 on one side, flip cook for another 4-5, flip and cook for another 2 minutes. The patties should be crispy on the outside. This mix makes a shitload so you'll probably want to have your oven set to warm (200) and put them in there as you go along. Fix with your favorite toppings on your preferred brand bread. I used pita because a) it was all I had, and b) you don't want to trump the awesome texture and flavor of this burger with a big assed bun.