Secret to a Perfect Smoothie

During my lack of appetite, I followed the smoothie suggestion by a number of readers. I made a batch last night for dinner and forgot how much I like to make and eat them. I've been told that I need to open my own smoothie cart on the B-line trail, because they're so good. Sheesh.
About smoothie science, they're such no-brainers, right? Wrong. If you don't know your stuff, you can end up with a cup of barf. And I'm not into drinking that stuff. I took these photos as I finished my magical concoction and could kick myself for not thinking of taking one earlier when it was thicker and prettier. Oh well. look at the pictures from an art perspective I guess. Look at the shapes, shades, colors, negative, and positive space. Boo-yah.

I don't measure, I eyeball, and that is my success story for a perfect smoothie. Here's what I threw in the blender. I had enough for 2.5 servings.

• 1/2 c. Biotta beet juice
• 1 c. apple juice
• 1 c. so delicious cultured coconut milk, vanilla flavor
• about 5-6 c. frozen fruit: kiwis, bananas, mangoes
• 1/2 c. blueberries

I blended it and it was the most amazing color ever. I so love that Biotta juice. Perfect berry punch. Here are some things that will make a smoothie fail, so take heed:

Don't use-

• Water- duh. Well, DUH.
• Ice-EVER. I don't trust people who ice their smoothies. They taste like shit. Freeze your fruit or yogurt in an ice cube tray instead. Ice is the killer of good smoothies. Just don't fucking do it.
• Disproportionate amounts of veggies to fruits, it's a careful balance. Example, I would never use more than a cup of spinach or kale in a smoothie if I did that sort of thing.
• Too much soy milk, you'll kill the fruit flavor.
• Too much melon. again, use a 1/3+1/3+1/3 part. Example 2c. kiwi, 2c banana, 2c mango.

Do use-

• juice-apple works best
• veggie juice in small amounts: 1/2 c. beet or carrot juice is nice and packs a vitamin punch. I wouldn't use V-8 unless I were doing a savory smoothie.
• non dairy milk, about twice the amount of your veggie juice blend
• companion fruits: berry/melon, peach/banana, stone fruit only, berry only, 
• peanut butter with a berry blend=liquid pb&j...oh so good!

Tell me about your favorite smoothie blend!

Berry Whites

So I know these strawberries don't look so sensual. What's going on there? Don't knock it until you try it.
This here is my own concoction and saving grace from eating an entire pie. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I gots to be careful of that stuff and moderate my sugar intake. No problem!

So here's how you make these Berry Whites...get it Barry White? He would rise from the grave to nosh on one of these.

You'll need:

4 Large strawberries BIG ONES. ZOMG! The more ginormous, the better

2T Justin's Chocolate Hazelnut Butter

1/3 cup of Cracklin Oat Bran Cereal and one single coffee bean, run through the coffee mill and set aside. Really, any vegan cereal will do. I just like me some COB.

• Wash and pat dry the berries. Set aside.
• Prepare your Cracklin' Oat Bran Dust. Set aside in a shallow dish.
• Make an assembly line near the pot: strawberries, pan, dish of cereal, wax paper.
• Heat the JNB on super low heat on a non stick skillet or pan. Stir constantly. Watch that butter!
• Lightly brush or roll each berry in melted JNB. 
• Roll each berry IMMEDIATELY in the pulverized cereal.
• Set on wax paper. 
• Stick in fridge.
• Eat once cooled. 
• Impress your friends.
• You're welcome.

See You at the Bar

When is a cookie not a cookie? When it's a bar. But does it really matter what shape the damn thing is? Nope. Nopey, nopey, give me hopey--it don't mean a thing. Especially this here Blueberry Spice Crumb Bar from Vegan Cookies Invade Your Cookie Jar. This gorgeous, fragrant, sweet, and blissful bar will have you cuing Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on Netflix so you can wave the cookie in Violet Beauregarde's gum chewin' face. Of course she can't see you.

NOTE: My 20 days of cookies theme isn't some weird homage to Morgan Spurlock or to Newman's Own. It's a digging of That PITA Vegan archives combined with some new entries to heighten the awareness of cookie deprivation. Don't worry, I'm eating plenty of other things like a seitanic stew, hottie black eyed peas n' greens, and black bean nachos. So there.

Now back to sammiches...

It always happens--I need a 48 hour blogging detox after MOFO. I've tried to avoid it, I just can't. Thanks for your patience.

Hey y'all, with all that MOFO-ing going on, have you missed hearing me plug Celine and Tami's sandwich cookbook? Good. Here's one that is perfect for breakfast or snacking. Hell, I eat at any time of the day. These are the tempeh bacon and apple turnovers with pomegranate dipping sauce. Say that three times really fast. You can't? Oh yeah--drool tends to block one from a good tongue twister.
Savory smoky tempeh bacon, apples, and pomegranate will make your mouth extremely happy.

So good, you'll defy gravity! See how that works? I never thought commercial puff pastry would be vegan, but there you go! When you're all done eating your dinner, don't forget to make a little something from Isa and Terry's new pie cookbook!

MOFO Day #31: SEASON FINALE Give Your Heart To Eric

First of all, I LOVED reading everyone's epic kitchen fail stories. It was a tough call to make, and I chose Beth and her bombed beer bread brick. Beth, send your information to noexcusesprivatechef@gmail.com. There's nothing worse than trying to win a crush over with food, gross them out, and have them laugh at you. It's much like a vampire ripping your heart out and slurping on it like a juice box.

Which brings me to the MOFO 2011 Season Finale of True Grub. If I were a vampire, I would never bite anyone's neck, I'd only do 'em in this way. The whole thing was so awesome I watched it over and over a few times. I was on a crusade for the rest of the month to think of how I could recreate a vegan heart and give it to myself for Halloween.
An apple a day! Get a big one. REALLY BIG!

Core out the middle and scoop out the seeds. I imagine a melon baller would be great, but all I had was a knife and spoon.

Hmmmm--will this work? This was starting to look like a fail. I have a degree in art. Surely I should be able to make a human heart out of an apple. Think, Jen--THINK!
Think outside the apple: I made a mixture of vegan graham cracker crumbs, food coloring, peanut butter, POM juice and a banana. The results were so badass, Alan Ball called me and asked me to quit my job at the garden center and work as a writer/special effects assistant.
Coming together nicely, ain't it? I soaked some dried cherries in warm water and rolled them like a snake to get my dark red veins.
Crude, yes. Think about it--have you ever seen a heart look all nice and neat when pulled out of someone's chest? I didn't think so. I filled the apple with the remaining POM juice.

It was so tasty! Substantial snack and drink all at once. Happy Halloween, y'all and thanks for reading this month. Looks like we raised $20 for the animal shelter and food bank. Will I ever give up on my million hit goal during MOFO? Never. It's good to aim high. It forces one to reach out to others and ask for help because no one can do huge things alone unless you're a vampire, and True Blood has shown that doesn't always work for the undead.

I hope you enjoyed yourselves, squirmed some, had a few laughs, and realized that being vegan is a ton of fun.

MOFO Day #26 True Grub: Jessica's Virgin Strawberry Daiquiri

You don't have to be like King of the Bill and make a waywardly yet hot read headed virgin vampire out of punishment by The Authority. Nope. You can make a virgin drink instead.
Seriously, folks. This ain't complicated. This is a glass of cool, refreshing, and sweet strawberry bliss. Just like Vampire Jessica.


You'll need:
1 can of cold ginger ale
1 heaping cup of frozen strawberries
a blender


Can you guess what you need to do? That's right, put the strawberries in the blender, add the ginger ale and make it slushy. Goes well with Covenly Tacos, which I'll talk about tomorrow.

MOFO Day #8 True Grub: G. Fairy Waffles with Light Fruit Syrup

I know these waffles look awfully plain, but I assure you the flavor is not. Sookie's Fairy Godmother, Claudine was trying to perfect her recipe for these lemon-chamomile waffles before she became a supernatural juice box.

The flavors are subtle, so please try to play around if you please. This recipe is gluten free; however, you can make it with AP flour if that's how you roll. At this point, I have so many friends with a gluten intolerance, they could easily populate a magical fairy island.
Lemon Chamomile Waffles w/ Light Fruit Syrup

Waffles:

Dry Mix

• 1 1/4 c. sorghum flour
• 1 t baking powder
• 1/2 t baking soda
• 1/2 t salt
• 1 t xanthan gum

Wet Mix
1/4 c. lemon juice
2T lemon zest
1T Earth balance
1 c. vegan buttermilk or cultured soy/almond/rice/coconut milk
3T agave
1/2 c really strong chamomile tea
1/2 t vanilla

Light Fruit Syrup
2 c. of your choice of stone fruit (pluot, peaches, plums, apricots, etc.) and pear puree. I think I used 1c. stone fruit and 1c. of pears.

3T brown sugar

bring sugar and fruit to a rolling boil and cool.

Mix wet and dry into a nice batter. Make waffles according to your machine's instructions. Keep warm in a 200 degree oven if you're going to wait a while.

Jamaican me crazy!

Hey mon, you know what I could really go for? Marinated seitan that makes me hum Bob Marley tunes and served with a gloriously fruity salsa. Hot-salty-sweet-fruity-meaty-seitany goodness. Throw that on a bun and call it a day, why don't you?

You were supposed to read that with an accent, btw.

This is called the Jamaican Dip, but I'd rather call it the Sister Cleo. You'll be predicting the future and charging people $5.99 a minute just to talk to you after eating one. I hope your interest in Celine and Tami's upcoming sandwich cookbook is growing, because I keep testing like a testing fool.

Don't forget vegan MOFO is next month. And boy howdy, do I have a theme for your eyeballs.


Sorry I'm not funnier today. I've been sick the past two days and both kids are ill as well. I'll bring the buckets of chuckles later.

more vegan gems

sorry it's been a couple days, i've been sick. i don't even know what to call this cold: sore throat, throbbing headache that covers most of my head, achy, sweaty, and shivery. if you can come up with a cutesy name for said ailment, let me know. since i've become a parent i've been given the gift that keeps on giving...the flu of the month club, courtesy of my child attending day care. at any given time there is at least one child with a fountain of snot running from their nose and i shudder knowing that at some point enzo has handled something that they've handled.

since snot is gross and probably not vegan, i thought i would shift the talk back to the subject of this blog. i'd like to introduce a couple of vegan gems: the first one is the paw-paw. anyone here ever had one? it looks like a pear did it with a mango and tastes like a mango did it with a banana. the texture is reminiscent of an avocado, and apparently is indigenous to southern indiana where i live. there is a tree on the property where i work and a co-worker came in with one. it was delicious. i'm sure they cost an arm and a leg at the farmer's market.

the second gem is something y'all are probably familiar with--did you know that some store bought cake and frosting mixes are vegan? yup. i discovered this preparing for my son's first birthday party. i wish i could remember the brand name, but when making the vegan cake (recipe from PPK), and the non-vegan cake, i noticed all the ingredients were in the clear, and the only thing that made the cake not vegan was adding the eggs. now, i will say something you already know-just because something is vegan doesn't mean it's healthy. there are tons of saturated fats and chemicals in those store bought items, so i guess it would really depend on who you asked whether the item is vegan or not. i'd rather just eat the stuff that's homemade if you asked me. it's just nice to know that if i get a lazy hair up my bum i can conjure a chemical cake instead. i don't think chemicals=gems, but convenience (on occasion) is a little sparkly, wouldn't you agree?